YuGiOh! The Soap Opera of Doom
by KaibasVeryOwnPinaColada
Summary: Kaiba and Mokuba have their difficulties. And so does everyone else.
1. Chapter 1

Yu-Gi-Oh: The Soap Opera of Doom

By KaibasVeryOwnPinaColada

We open to a rainy day in Domino Town at the Kaiba mansion. Seto Kaiba is sitting at his desk, doing…well, he _said_ he was doing work.

Flashback:

_Mokuba walks in, eating a pomegranate and wearing a sequined ball gown. Kaiba sits at desk checking his email. Unfortunately he looks up to see the younger Kaiba brother._

"_Holy…what are you **wearing**?"_

_Mokuba looks down. "Oh…nothing…I mean—"_

"_I would certainly prefer that you wouldn't be wearing anything!" Kaiba says angrily._

_Mokuba chokes on a pomegranate seed and begins to gag. He coughs it up and screeches. Kaiba sighs._

"_Not like **that**, you dumb bastard! Now go and bake me a cake."_

_Mokuba leaves._

End flashback.

In all truth, Kaiba is really sitting there at his desk doing nothing. He's been scarred for life by Mokuba's cross-dressing.

Suddenly the cell phone rings and he squeals and grabs it. The phone call goes something like this…

"Hello?" asks Kaiba in a high, squeaky voice.

There is heavy breathing at the other end of the line. "I know what you did last summer."

"Pardon?"

"Oh," says the voice, "sorry. I mean, I know _who_ you did last summer."

Kaiba stands suddenly, knocking the amaryllis plant off his desk.

"What?" he yells fiercely, "Who is this?"

"Your immortal enemy."

"Your Immortal? Does this have anything to do with Evanescence?"

Kaiba's Immortal Enemy groaned. "That's _My_ Immortal, nimrod. Now, look: stay away from my grandpa—ah…I mean, yeah, just stay away from the old guy."

The mysterious-sounding guy hangs up. Kaiba, on the other hand, holds the phone until it begins to beep.

Then he starts to make a two-column list: on one side he writes "Things I Know About The Guy Who Somehow Got My Phone Number" and on the other side he writes "Things I Don't Know About Said Guy".

Under "Things I Know About The Guy Who Somehow Got My Phone Number" he writes "Knows too damn much about me" and "Brilliant guy when it comes to Evanescence". On the other side he puts down "Who it is".

He thinks for awhile, and then decides that will do it. Then his cell rings again.

"Hello?" he answers it breathlessly.

"Hello, this is the Telemarketer Association of America. Is this Mokuba Kaiba?"

Intrigued, Kaiba thinks for a moment. Then he answers.

"Yes…yes, this is."

"Yeah, so we reviewed your application and carefully considered your interview. We have decided that you would be the best match for the position of a saleswoman."

"…Sales_woman_?"

There was a slight pause. "As in, a salesperson of the female type?"

Kaiba growls and snarls. "I know what a saleswoman is!"

"Okay, then. Do you accept?"

"What? You want _me_ to be one of those annoying people who go door to door selling…whatever they sell?"

"_ANNOYING_? You just lost your job, girlie."

Mokuba walks in wearing his normal clothes and holding a cake. Kaiba glares at him.

"Mokuba, did you apply for any jobs lately?"

Mokuba thinks. "No."

"Then explain why I got a phone call from the Telemarketer Association of America asking for you and offering you a job!"

"Did I get it?" Mokuba asks brightly.

Just before Kaiba can answer, the damn phone rings…again.


	2. Chapter 2

Yu-Gi-Oh: The Soap Opera of Doom

By KaibasVeryOwnPinaColada

Note: I realized I forgot to put a disclaimer in the last chapter. So here it is…

I DON'T OWN YU-GI-OH. I JUST OWN THESE STORIES. BUT I DON'T OWN ALL THE TERMS IN THIS PARTICULAR STORY. I'LL GIVE CREDIT AT THE END.

Kaiba answers the phone, a brilliant idea in his head.

"Taco Bell," he says brightly.

"Cut the act, Binky-boy. It's Joey."

"WHAT? Joey _Wheeler_? What the hell do you want?"

There's a slight pause. "Well, first I want to know why you answered your phone saying 'Taco Bell'."

Kaiba groans. "No, really, what do you want?"

"I want to duel you!"

"Please."

"Please?"

"_No_," Kaiba says, exasperated, "that was _sarcasm_."

"Well, shit."

"Fine, I'll duel you."

"Yay!" cries Joey blissfully.

"But the stakes will be high."

"Why? Are they on drugs?" Joey jokes.

"You know what? Just meet me in the middle of that one park by school."

"Wooters!"

_15 minutes later…_

They are both in the middle of the park by their school. Kaiba is smirking evilly and Joey is trying to count how many times he's already lost to Kaiba.

"So…um...what are the stakes?" Joey inquires, finally giving up.

Kaiba smiles. "If _I_ win, you help me figure out who called me today. If _you_ win, I'll give you a cookie."

Joey blinks, then asks suspiciously, "What kind of cookie?"

"Snickerdoodle."

"Okay! IT'S TIME TO DUEL!"

So, they start to duel.

Kaiba draws a card. It happens to be a Blue Eyes White Dragon.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kaiba laughs evilly.

"What, did you draw a Blue Eyes White Dragon or something?"

Kaiba's eyes go all wide. "Are you _psychic_?"

Joey nods. "Yes…I am."

Kaiba looks fearfully at his cards. He looks at his hand, thinks of a card, and says, "I which card am I thinking of?"

Joey swallows.

"Okay, so I'm not psychic! I just know your deck really well!"

"Whew," sighs Kaiba.

"Make your move, _Binky_-boy!" Joey yells impatiently.

"Fine!" Kaiba yells back. "I summon three Blue-Eyes White Dragons in _one_ _turn_."

"Crap!" squeals Joey. "Oh, well…I play Kuriboh!"

Kaiba gasps. "Where'd you get that?"

"I'm a kleptomaniac; I stole it from Yugi."

"Oh. Well…I play that one card that fuses all my dragons together!" Kaiba says.

"…Ew."

"Shut up; not like _that_!"

The dragons fuse together.

"Oh my GOD! It's a Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon!"

"Isn't it _big_?" Kaiba says proudly.

"_Must…take…eyes…off…of…Kaiba's…dragon_!" Joey screams, tearing at his head and falling to his knees.

"Bow down, puppy! You **lose**!" Kaiba laughs mirthlessly as he attacks Joey's pathetic Kuriboh.

"Well, crap."

The holographic monsters disappear and the two duelists approach each other. Joey swallows and says, "I suppose I have to help you figure out who keeps calling you."

"Yes," Kaiba grins. "Yes, you do."

"Okay, here's my advice…you're rich; go buy yourself a damn caller ID."

"I _have_ a caller ID! Whoever keeps calling me has blocked their number," Kaiba growls.

"Oh," Joey says, unable to come up with anything else.

"Let's go, mutt."

Before Joey can even protest to being called 'mutt', Kaiba turns sharply around and walks away. Joey grumbles and follows him.


	3. Chapter 3

Yu-Gi-Oh: The Soap Opera of Doom

By KaibasVeryOwnPinaColada

**Note Regarding the Disclaimer in the Previous Chapter: WHEN I SAID "AT THE END" I MEANT AT THE END OF THE STORY!**

**And God _knows_ when that'll be.**

Joey skips and sings 'I'm Too Sexy' (which, by the way, is Voldemort's theme song…what, you don't believe me? I swear, it's true).

Kaiba turns swiftly around grabs Joey by the neck. Emasculating, eh?

"Look," he says, looking Joey square in the eyes. "If you don't shut your pie hole I'm totally going to sing 'Banana Phone'."

Joey's eyes widen. "You totally would not."

Kaiba smirks, and then says, "Oh, I totally would."

Joey glares Kaiba.

Kaiba glares at Joey.

Mokuba Apparates out of nowhere and glares at Kaiba.

"Big brother, your cake is ready! It's cooling off as we speak!"

"Dammit. Now I have _two_ people staring at me," Kaiba says crossly.

"Well, then eat your cake." Mokuba holds out a super special awesome super rare chocolatey covered super tasty super cake!

By the way, it's a chocolate-covered _chocolate_ cake.

"Mokuba, I'm allergic to chocolate," Kaiba snaps coldly.

"Oh…"

"Hey, Kaiba…we were glaring?" Joey hints.

Kaiba lets go of Joey's neck while completely ignoring him, and turns to Mokuba.

"Mokuba, you effing idiot! You know what happens when I don't get my non-chocolate cake!"

"Seto! Please don't get mad!"

"I don't get mad, Mokuba…I get to eat _your_ strawberry tiramisu!"

"**NO**!"

Seto lunges at Mokuba and steals his strawberry tiramisu.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

Read the next chapter, which will be uploaded…someday.


	4. Chapter 4

Yu-Gi-Oh: The Soap Opera of Doom

By KaibasVeryOwnPinaColada

Mokuba screams and tosses Joey his strawberry tiramisu.

"Save it for me, Joey!"

Joey looks at the scrumptious dessert, and then devours it whole.

Kaiba stops lunging at the young child. He slowly turns to the blonde boy.

"_You_. You ate my strawberry tiramisu."

Joey opens and closes his mouth three times before finally saying, "No I didn't."

Kaiba looks at him for awhile. Joey has shifty eyes.

"All right. Mokuba, what did you do to it?"

"_What_? Seto, you're _actually_ going to believe him? He's your nemesis! I'm your darling little brother!"

Kaiba turns away from Mokuba. Was this the time to admit his true feelings? About both of them?

_**Yes**_! Kaiba decides.

"Joey, I have something to tell you. You too, Mokuba," he says quietly.

Just then, his cellular phone rings. The ring tone, by the way, is the Mexican Hat Dance.

'_Oh, thank the creator of heaven and children's card games_,' Kaiba thinks breathlessly. Then he answers the phone again.

"Hello?"

There is a slight pause. Then the voice speaks again.

"I am waiting, Kaiba."

"Yeah, I figured that out, thanks."

"I am your Immortal Enemy."

"I figured that too."

"I am inside your phone."

"_What_?"

Kaiba's Immortal Enemy smirks. "Wow, you sure are dumb for a child billionaire with a successful company."

Kaiba pauses. During his pause the enemy snorts and says, "See you eventually."

And then he hangs up, leaving Kaiba holding onto his cell phone. _Burn_.

--End of Chapter 4—

A/N: I'd like to thank Harkura for Kaiba's ring tone. Isn't it awesome, guys? You should totally check out her stories.


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